Bikini Jokes; Guest Blogger! (Mermaid Parade)

Folks, we have a real treat today for all none of you devoted blog readers: a Guest Poster, Karen (who shall be referred to by her StopMe handle, Kookie-Dough). Aside from being a devoted StopMe fan, she is also my pregnant sister, and despite her resistance is sure to get up off her fat ass and step across the room any minute now.

Well, I have to say, when "Vanilla" asked me to choose an ice cream flavor just moments ago, I was actually picturing a Jetson-like apparatus that would make the tasty treat materialize in front of my "fat ass". But, alas, I am now known as "Kookie-Dough," which doesn't do a whole lot for to help with the fat ass, bloated feelings I've been having lately.

I must say, I'm totally fascinated by bikinis and especially by people who tell jokes while wearing them. I mean, is it me or is it hard not to look at the bikini-wearers' breasts? What's interesting is that when we're dressing at home and we have just our underwear and bra on, we (and maybe I should be using "I-statements" here...) feel the need to cover ourselves with clothes--a shirt, maybe some pants, what have you. But with a bikini, all bets are off. You put on essentially the same articles of clothing (often with less coverage--have you ever seen maternity underwear?!) and yet it's perfectly acceptable to leave the house, see a parade, tell a joke... food for thought, eh? Speaking of food, how about that ice cream?
World's Shortest Joke

Bald Joke

Screw Joke

Victor; The Next Dork On The Totem Pole?

So the three of us StopMe creators sat down with a dude named Victor and a dude named Ryan last night at The Underground Lounge on 107th Street to talk about our future. Chocolat met Victor at the UL the other night and was pretty jazzed about how jazzed Victor is about the site. "He even wants to do a documentary about us." I didn't really believe Chocolat because he's a pretty bad liar, but it turns out Victor is not only a real person but is in fact jazzed. He even has ideas about StopMe's New Direction (to Victor: no, it's not going to be called "Funny Bones"!), and is ready to commit time, energy and equipment for a piece of the golden pie.
Ryan, as a manager of the UL, was there to commit a date for our first Major Event. We'll be calling it the Major Event until we think of a better name, but for all intents and purposes think of this as our coming out party, to take place at the UL in late September.
So time will tell if Victor can manage to integrate himself into our very exclusive country club-ish kind of production company, where young boys in crisp white collars bring us sidecars as we deal the cards for another round of hearts. Oh, wait, that's not my life-- I'm thinking of that Matt Dillon movie.
The truth is that we can use some new blood, as I've pretty much had it with these motherfuckers. I mean, here we are creeping (literally) up to 40, flitting all over town asking "do you know any jokes do you know any jokes do you know any jokes?" referring to each other as ice-cream flavors all the while. Enough already, right?
Victor, help.

Pin-up Girls (Mermaid Parade)

The funnest part of StopMe is the variety of folks we stop. To quote a great man, "Humor is universal, blah blah blah." The fact is, I'm a guy who still won't answer his own phone, so severe is my aversion toward human interaction. And yet, I get a huge kick out of spending the day soliciting jokes from all kinds of strangers: freaks, wall streeters, skaters, trannies and truckers. There's a joker in every group (even chess players!), and it turns out pin-up girls travel with a pair! That's right, pin-up girls aren't just for
posters anymore. Since the 1940s, pin-up girls have developed that all-important third dimension, plus a nifty sense of humor. The three we ran into at the parade were attracting a whole lot of attention (as you can see at the beginning of Retarded Boy Joke) but they were nice enough to tell us a few jokes and educate us on the finer points of authentic pin-up living. Did you know pin-up girls don't have pin-up guy boyfriends (they have greaser boyfriends), but do have Betty Crocker flavored toothpaste?

Retarded Boy Joke


Dry.....Martini Joke

Cop Joke (Mermaid Parade)

Ok, we admit it— sometimes that wacky, goofy, frivolous, jokey spontaneity you've come to love about StopMe is just a little staged. For instance, this woman told us this cop-bashing joke at first not knowing she was standing behind several cops, but since they weren't in the shot in the original take she. When we mentioned the gaggle of nearby cops, though, she didn't bat and eye and agreed to tell it again standing even closer to one of her targets. The brave girl even had the cinematic instinct to duck away after the punch line for the full effect. Nice touch.

Pirate Jokes (Mermaid Parade)

We've been told pirate jokes before but this pirate girl took it fAAAARRRRRRRRRRRther than anybody! We're going to have to make a pirate joke button on the main site, but Chocolat's so lame it'll probably never happen. In the mean time, pirate joke fans, just book mAAARRRRRRRk this page.

Don't Get It? Could Be Your Age.

Turns out the reason Mocha and me and Chocolat keep going, "Huh?" is we're pushing 40. That's right, our fellow joke-ologists at Washington University have discovered old people just don't get it, or at least don't get jokes more often than their young counterparts. Click here for the full scoop. In support of this conclusion, you'll notice the average age of a StopMe joke-teller is about 14 (ok, it's higher, but from the perspsective of us graying, flabby late-30s folk, yer all just a bunch of kids!), and the numbers in our Jokes Told By the Elderly collection are less than healthy (thus the inclusion of several middle-agers who are being forced to stand in).
Who knew all this jokesperimentation was going on at Washington U.? Showing unfinished Dilbert cartoons to unsuspecting elderly? Asking a college kid to guess Lucy Ricardo's next line? Wonder what other sick things those people are doing in the name of science.

Joke Analysis; What Does it Mean?

We've been playing with various ideas for developing the site. Some are clamoring for more behind the scenes while thousands of others are pushing for more stuff exploring the nature of humor and the ways StopMe joke-ologists expose the funny-vibe (sorry for all these technical terms) of a given time and place. Then we stumbled upon Lenny's Britain and his Joke Booth experiment and realized, Welp, Been Done. And been done pretty good, I might say. So for those of you interested in the sociological aspect of this grand experiment, check it out. The analysis may be from a British perspective but humor is universal blah, blah, blah. In the mean time, if you want the story of three guys on the verge of a collective midlife crisis trekking around NYC bumming jokes, well, keep it here.

Timbuktu Joke (Mermaid Parade)

Sometimes it's hard to believe they didn't see us coming miles away. This guy was hanging with his biking friends, who you'll see at the end of the video, but rattles off this very complicated joke as if he were backstage at a dirty joke festival. We all know someone who can do this. He's the guy at the party who you plan to can't stand but end up chuckling at his antics. Or, hey, maybe that guy is you. If so, congratulations, as I planned to can't stand you and you won me over. I mean, I don't want to get stuck in an elevator with you or even, really, sit next to you at the dinner party. But from a distance, across a room, I'll laugh at your Timbuktu Joke and probably stumble all over myself trying to tell it to some other introvert the next day.

What's in a Name?

Oh man, we really screwed up. In this age of Google searches, short attention spans and just way too many choices on the web, anybody with less than 7 drinks in his system is gonna keep the name of his site short, simple and to the point. Our approach? Let's think of a really long name where thewordsallruntogether and no one will remember it because there's a thousand ways to get it wrong ("what was it again, Stop Me If You Heard That One...Before?").
And hey, let's NOT put the word "joke" in the title so people won't know what the site is about until they actually GO THERE! What an intriguing MYSTERY we've created, enticing more and more people who google "jokes" to wonder what sites they're missing that aren't coming up because the word joke isn't in the title!
Sure there're nice things about the name. It's something my grandfather used to say before launching into some joke I didn't get even after hearing it about a hundred times, since he never did stop ("Two guys walking down the street. One says to the other, 'You know what time it is?' His friend shows him his watch and says 'There it is." The other guy says, "Damned if it ain't!"). And it's the name, kind of, of an old radio show where people send in jokes and win prizes if the show's panelists don't know it. That's charming! That's quaint!
But quaint never got anyone anywhere on the web, and quaint is about all we've managed to be with "Stop Me If You Heard This." Dare we change it? We own the url, TheJokeQuest.com, a much more accurate, catchy, if less quaint, name. What say? Send us your votes, suggestions, thoughts and undecipherable jokes your grandfather used to tell. We'll stay up late pouring over all the emails and letters-- Chinese food containers, the whole bit-- until at some ungodly morning hour we'll look each other knowingly and remove our glasses, rub our eyes (well, Mocha will take out his contacts anyway). We'll all start laughing because there on the table, as clear as the sky, will be the name so perfect we can only remove our glasses, rub our eyes and laugh. All over again.
In the mean time, in honor of our very long name, let us leave you with The World's Shortest Joke. (Warning: It's as bad as our name.)

Pussy Pie Joke (Mermaid Parade)

In the last post I touched on what one stands to learn about oneself in the process of listening to a joke. Then there's what you learn about your friends. Let me introduce you to my good friend Mocha, whom I have known since we fronted a band way back in college called "But The Windows Are Closed." He's the guy holding the door open for you, giving you his seat on the subway and asking if your parents are busy tonight because maybe they'd want to join us. Watch him in "Bumbling Mocha Medley" and you'll know exactly what I mean. Then listen to him cackle with delight when the Pussy Pie teller drops the crudest of punchlines and you'll wonder, as I do, Who the hell is this guy?

Blind Animal Medley (Mermaid Parade)

What's up with the blind animal jokes at the Mermaid Parade? It's funny because Mocha and I have been telling everyone we heard this one joke-set (as we joke-ologists say) "like 5 or 6 times" at the Parade. Then we were coincidently watching Last Comic Standing at the same time (with different wives, however) and the same blind fish joke popped up on the screen before it cut to a commercial (holy shit!), after which the Mermaid number became—I noticed— "6 or 7 times." Well, ol' Vanilla here went back into the footage to craft together a little medley, so inspired was he, but lo and behold we're a pack of liars. There's, uh, not so many, even if you include Mocha telling the fish joke with the pen in his mouth. I know he's reading this (if he even reads this damn thing; please tell me you read this thing dude-- at least you!!), I know he's going "I really thought there was another one... wait, wasn't there another guy—" No, dude— no guy. No woman. Not even a stray Mermaid or a Gorilla or a Pirate telling this joke other than what you're about to see. If I'm wrong, I promise to act out the joke in my underwear in Coney Island next week. Like anyone'd notice.

Clairvoyant Cashier (Mermaid Parade)

Chocolat recently stood up at one of those work retreats where you get to learn the dreary life stories of your colleagues and explained he runs a joke site with two college friends. "Just don't ask me to tell you a joke," he said, "I either can't remember or I just don't understand them."
He's absolutely right— the hardest thing about telling people you run a joke site is that everyone assumes you've got some great jokes ready to go. The pressure is enormous, and it's clear why so many have died in this line of work.
But the truth is there's around two jokes in every expedition I laugh at (without faking) and one of those I remember for about a week, telling everyone who'll listen. Since my circle of friends and family is small enough to fit in a bathtub (stacked, standing, cut up into body-parts, any which way you'd like to fit my circle of friends and family in your bathtub) certain members of this troupe, such as my wife, will hear me tell this joke three or four times to outsiders who somehow stray my way before scurrying away in search of people with not so much body odor. When I think about the jokes I like best, most of them are either misogynistic, crass or just plain sick and wrong. I'd like to say this little reflection exercise taught me something about myself, but really it just confirmed some ugly truths I live with every minute of every day. Anyway, here's the Mermaid joke I'm ashamed to love. Hope you hate yourself for laughing at it as much as I do.